


It's Not That Serious

by FairyTaleArchetypes (Archetype)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Eventual Smut, F/F, Humor, Not Canon Compliant, Romance, Sexual Humor, likely kink or at least talking about kink, occasional plot, verging and falling into crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-02 11:56:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5247377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archetype/pseuds/FairyTaleArchetypes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma becomes the Dark One after saving Regina from the dark forces released from Rumplestiltskin.  (From that moment on we diverge from canon, because....) Emma's goodness and being the product of True Love mixed with the darkness to make for a Dark One who not quite what everyone, especially Regina, expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Battle

**Author's Note:**

> It was pointed out to me that it has been a ridiculously long time since I've posted anything. The beginnings of this story were started before season 4. I adjusted the beginning so that Emma becomes the Dark One for the same reason as the show, but that is pretty much where canon ends. The story starts at canon so, yes Hook is in the story, as is Robin. But, not for long. Honest.

She pushed Robin away. “Go. I’m fine.” He opened his mouth to protest but she grasped his hand, squeezing once. “We’ll talk later, but for now, just go.” He shook his head, but backed away.

Regina pinched the bridge of her nose as the two idiots and the handless puppy continued to argue over who should take the dagger. It was so predictable. Hook whining about ‘she said she loved me, she’d want me to’ and Snow with her ‘she’s our daughter, it’s our job to protect her’ and endlessly nauseating variations on those themes. 

As their volume went up and they moved closer to each other she walked to the dagger and picked it up. It had always felt dark, always called to her magic, but this was different from when it had Rumplestiltskin inscribed. It was teasing, almost as if testing her. 

Her thoughts were blasted by the screech of Snow. “Regina! No. Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” She whirled on them. “She did this to protect me. You don’t seriously think any of you can grasp the situation better than me, with not one brain between you? Protect Emma? You bought her a one way ticket to a place I told you was miserable, and expected what? She’d be raised by wood nymphs? You stole someone’s goodness to prevent even the mere possibility that she had potential for darkness. Then lied to her. That turned out well.” She dangled the dagger between her finger and thumb.

Hook stepped forward, pirate bravado in full swagger. Before he could open his mouth she sneered at him. “And you? You’ve switched sides more frequently than Henry switches characters in Mario Smash.”

“But Regina, we’re her parents,” Charming said. Snow smiled at him as if that was the wisest thing said in decades. “She asked us to keep the dark from her. We understand that darkness,” Snow said. 

A bark of laughter burst from her throat. “The only dark you know comes in a package marked ‘Dove’. What you did to Lilly wasn’t dark, it was shallow and untrusting. You are confusing dark with dim. Dim you know.” 

Snow’s mouth hung open and Charming puffed out his chest.

“What Emma has just become — well, you can let me help her, or you can try your luck with the former Dark One, should he wake up. He was a coward before he went dark, so I’m sure that without magic, he’ll jump at the chance to face off with her. Besides, you two can’t manage to not lose each other periodically, so I don’t think you should be trusted with the dagger. What exactly would you protect it with, a brigade of bluebirds? Because short of shoving it up one of your dwarves backsides, Emma will figure out where you hide it.”

Hook piped up. “I’ve experience with hiding treasure.”

“Yes, and losing your ship. Emma has powerful magic and now is dealing with the powerful darkness. She’d bat those eyelashes, have this dagger in an instant, and leave you high and dry. Then what?”

Hook, Charming and Snow looked at each other, but between them couldn’t come up with a counter-argument. “As I thought.”

“But we want to be with you, with her.”

“Yes, well, we all have disappointments. Please have Henry stay with you until I know it is safe for him.” Without another word, Regina gathered her magic and transported herself into her foyer.

Turning the light on, she took a moment to examine the dagger, the name etched there. Taking a deep breath, she readied herself to summon whatever Emma had become. 

“Hey.”

Her head snapped to the voice. Emerging from the kitchen, Henry’s leftover pizza in her hand, Emma smiled. The dagger came up, arm across her front, her other hand, magic at the ready. 

Blonde curls waved across the creme colored sweater as the familiar laugh of Emma broke the silence. “Regina. I saved you. I’m not going to attack you.” Then she arched an eyebrow. “Or at least not that way,” she added then popped the last bite of pizza into her mouth.

Regina tried not to dwell on what way Emma could mean, but that was difficult when Emma’s tongue darted out to moisten her lips. She lowered the dagger. “Are you… how do you feel?” she asked Emma.

Emma shrugged. “Not sure how to describe it. I’m just glad I didn’t go all scaly like Rump in the unenchanting forest. Gold is so not in my color scheme.”

She rolled her eyes. Apparently, darkness hadn’t altered her genetic propensity for idiocy. “If we’re being honest, red leather isn’t your best either.”

“Really?” Emma snapped her fingers and Regina swallowed hard at the sight of her in a red leather corset, black lacing down the front. Her eyes betrayed her as they shot straight to the cleavage now on display.

Emma grinned. “Yep, that’s what I thought.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Where did the rush of heat come from? Emma should not be having this effect. “You sacrificed yourself for my happiness. Robin is—“

Emma waved her hand, smile disappearing. “Please, don’t. I was there in New York. He treated you like crazy Alex in _Fatal Attraction._ His code is more important than you. Besides, you said it in Isaac’s story — a man isn’t your happy ending.”

Regina’s blood was pulsing hard against the skin in her neck. Hoping Emma would see it as anger she said, “Yes, and you just told that swarmy, double-crossing, boyfriend of yours you loved him.”

Emma scratched her head. “I thought I was going to die. I say stupid shit when I figure I’ll never have to deal with the consequences.”

“Well, that should be a solid foundation for a relationship.”

“Hey, looks who is talking. Pixie dust and a tattoo?”

“He’s my true—“

Emma wagged a finger. “Nope, Soulmate. Not the same. I was just watching a video clip from an Oprah interview—”

Regina snorted. 

“Hey, it was my day off. As I was saying, that author Elizabeth Gilbert was saying Soulmates are meant to challenge you and you shouldn’t marry them.” 

Emma moved closer. Regina’s brain told her to keep some distance between them, but her feet seemed to ignore her. Her eyes kept drifting to the displayed cleavage. 

“Sometimes they are meant to come in, point out something, then go away. Time for Robin to go. Away. Far away.”

Very close, now. Her eyes were bright, but not changed. Her skin was still… flawless. Her voice was low, but still the Emma she knew. Or was she? In an effort to regain her control, she snapped, “Put a shirt on.”

Emma chuckled and with a click of her fingers, a sheer black, form fitting shirt appeared on her. How that was even more distracting confounded her and she frowned. 

“You weren’t specific,” Emma said, as if reading her mind. “Might want to be careful what orders you give me.”

“It wasn’t a command.”

“I know. Funny how the darkness came with a mental manual as far as my new personalized dagger goes.”

Emma paused, then looked her up and down. “You’ve been dressing more conservative lately,” Emma said. “I miss the straining buttons, the peak-a-boo camisoles. Are you voting Republican now? I’ll bet you spend hours convincing yourself that what you have with Back-To-Nature-Boy is how love is supposed to be. He comes for dinner, you all play house with Henry and Roland — except on boy’s night, of course.”

“Emma, stop. This isn’t you.”

“It is. Yes, I feel the dark, but it isn’t controlling me, if that is what worries you. But it is keeping my over-zealous habit of being polite, being the good kid that doesn’t want to upset anyone, that … extra-goodness tamped down a bit.”

Regina shook her head. “As annoying as that can be, that is you. It’s why you saved me.”

“No, my do-gooder parents saw fit to give away that balance — as if being the child of true-love wasn’t enough. I think this is more how I should have been. Now I’m feeling a bit more Yin Yang-y than Savior white. You know, a bit of black in the middle of the white, or white in the middle of the bl— you know.”

As Emma rambled and tried to explain the awful metaphor, Regina stepped back, conscious of the door behind her. 

“Besides, you worked hard to challenge me, push my buttons,” Emma added, a glint in her eyes.

“That was before we were friends.”

Emma grimaced and sucked air through gritted teeth. “Yeah, that’s a bit of a regret there.”

Regina stomach twisted. Emma must have seen the shock because she was quick to explain.

“Hey, Madam Mayor of Nobody-loves-me town. I don’t mean I regret being friends. I mean I regret not having hate sex, because—”

Shock overrode common sense. “You wish. I wouldn’t condescend to…” her words, and anger faltered. “That was never a thought—“

Emma’s laugh was genuine and she closed the distance again. “But, a fairy tells you your happy ending is in a bar and off go the panties? And how great is the sex?” Her voice rose in false enthusiasm.

Eyebrows raised, Emma leaned in closer. Close enough for Regina to smell her sweat and feel her breath on her face. 

“I’ll bet it is all kinds of traditional happy ending fairytale sex. He’s on top laboring away for a whole two minutes and you fake orgasm.”

She wanted to deny Emma’s words. It wasn’t that bad, and there was more to a relationship than sex. But nothing came out. Her pulse was pounding yet it wasn’t anger flowing through her. Emma head dipped to the side and she felt a hand brush her hair past her ear and felt moist hot air against her skin.

In a husky, deep whisper, Emma said, “Admit it, you want to let a little of the Evil Queen out. I know I do. Pissed off Mayor: hot. Evil Queen: scorching. You won’t need that dagger to get me to do anything you want.”

Regina stepped back bumping into the door, gripping the dagger tightly. “That is what you’re after? This was all a ruse to get me to forget the one thing that can—“ 

Emma stepped back. “What? No. I don’t want it. I’m not stupid. If things do get worse, you’re the one I trust.”

There was no humor in the green eyes that couldn’t hold her gaze. What she saw as they flicked away was far more vulnerable and she could not imagine Emma faking such emotion. “Emma, I… This was not what I expected.”

“Don’t look at me. You know I’m impulsive. You just keep getting screwed over and I couldn’t let it happen again. I hate that this had to happen for me to say anything. I’d never force anything or deceive you. You’ve always been honest with me.” A slow grin evolved. “Brutal, sarcastic, sass-filled honesty, but… you are hot when you do that.”

With a burst of magic, Regina sent the dagger to a place she thought would be safe for the time being. Then, with a speed that had Emma’s mouth dropping open, she gripped her jaw and spinning her, shoved her into the door. 

If Emma wanted the Evil Queen, she’d get her wish. Regina let everything from the night rip through her. Her mind kept telling her she’d regret this, but Emma had touched something raw in her. 

She pressed her thumb into the sensitive spot on the underside of Emma’s jaw, just inside the bone. “You piss me off with your damned heroics. So the darkness took me; we’d have figured something out. No, instead you jump first then ask how far the drop is. Fall into portals like it’s a sport and challenge evils without the vaguest notion of what you are up against. You are lucky to be alive, and I absolutely loathe that I find your impulsive, brash nature appealing.”

A smile started to form on pink lips, but Regina wasn’t going to let Emma get the ‘I knew it’ or any other such sentiment out of her mouth. Pressing forward, she smashed her lips onto Emma’s and kissed her. Her hand slipped lower and she made its presence known, pressure on the throat making Emma moan. She bit down on the blonde’s lower lip and when she opened her mouth to gasp she shoved her tongue in, dominating. 

Emma’s mouth felt better than it should, better than she’d fantasized. And a part of her hated to admit she had. Emma’s hands wrapped around her waist, and she pressed her body forward, thigh pressed between Emma’s legs. The rumbling groan Emma released encouraged her to rock her leg until Emma broke the kiss. “Oh, fuck. Way hotter than I imagined,” Emma breathed out, voice huskier, spiking Regina’s arousal.

“You have no —”

“Idea what you’re capable of,” Emma said, chuckling. “But I’m starting to get an inkling.”

Regina drew her hand down from Emma’s throat, tracing her clavicle, then down the valley of her cleavage until she reached the red leather. She hooked her finger inside and tugged Emma towards her. In that instant, air rushed around her and Emma was behind her, pushing her into the door. Emma’s body pressed against her and her hand gripped her throat. There was no pressure, but rather, Emma’s fingers stroked her skin. Emma’s other hand snaked around her waist and slid under her shirt. She shuddered at the warm fingers that teased against the underside of her bra. 

Emma’s tongue played with her earlobe before she whispered, “Oh, Regina. The things I want to do with you. To you.” She felt the slow release of moist air as Emma breathed against her neck. “But I am not going to.” 

Regina’s stomach twisted. She pushed back from the door and Emma stepped away. She spun, heart hammering hard. Words rushed through her head, but nothing came out. 

Emma’s eyes met hers and there was a coldness that she’d never seen before. “At least not until you get over feeling obligated to lash yourself to someone who has yet to make even the vaguest commitment to you,” Emma said. Regina couldn’t tell if it was anger or sadness in her voice.

“So you’ve come here to torture me. Does this amuse you? Have you given in so easily?” she asked, voice straining not to break.

Emma’s jaw tightened. “I told you, the darkness hasn’t won. Hell, it isn’t a battle because for once I feel a bit more whole. I want you. I have, at least on some level since the night I brought Henry home, but something prevented me from telling you. But I’ve haven’t been sitting around self-analyzing for fuck’s sake. I got here a few minutes before you.”

“Why here?” Regina asked. An idiotic question worthy of Snow. The rolling of green eyes told her she thought so as well.

“Regina, I’m not going be another who forces you into doing something you don’t want or into believing something you don’t.”

“I believe in true love and the magic of it. How can you not?”

Emma chuckled. “I didn’t say that. You don’t believe the legendary thief— oh and by the way, all of the actors who played him in movies were better looking.”

“Is there a point to —”

Before she could finish, Emma’s lips were on hers. Gentler. Briefer. “Shh,” Emma said, ending the kiss. “In here.” Emma’s fingertip touched her head, “Your entire history, experience, says that he’s your destiny.” Emma’s finger made a slow, burning path from her brow, to her cheek, to her jaw on down her throat to stop at her breastbone. “But here,” she continued, “you don’t feel it. You’ll settle because the darkness still in you tells you that is the best you can do.”

She shook her head, but what did Emma know? She opened her mouth to tell her but this time, Emma’s finger pressed against her lips, stopping her thoughts from becoming words. “I do not want you to regret anything between us, even though you want this as much as I do. I may have saved anyone the darkness attacked, but what I feel for you is what Killian…”

Emma stepped back, gave her a soft smile and announced, “I have to go.” Before her mind could process the moment, Emma was disappearing in a cloud of pale grey smoke.

Her mind went to the dagger. She would demand answers, the truth from Emma, now before she did whatever she’d so abruptly disappeared to do. But as her hand stretched out to call the dagger, she stopped. She’d taken it to protect Emma from those who would make demands on her — demands most had been making since the first curse was broken and everyone knew her as the Savior. She’d be damned before she became one of those people.

 

 


	2. Two

What started out as an honest conversation with Killian had now degenerated to some awful plot and dialogue from daytime soaps. No matter how she tried to explain, he kept arguing that it was the darkness talking, not her. That she’d said she loved him, and he loved her. She’d explained that she was scared, that she cared about him, but she didn’t want him, not in that way. 

Now, she’d had enough, and whether darkness or sheer exasperation, she spun on him. “Killian, you wore me down with your constant pleas and attention. You guilted me with the whole ‘gave up your boat —‘”

“She’s a ship, luv.”

With a wave of her hand she took his voice. “I tried to be honest and gentle, but no. You want to believe your version of everything.” With another wave, Killian was frozen in place. “Be right back.”

One thought and she was in Regina’s study. Regina looked up from whatever book she was flipping through. “Being the Dark One does not mean that basic civility goes out the window. I expect you to use the door. And knock.”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry, but it is an emergency.”

Regina sprang from the chair, “Henry?” 

For a moment the chair teetered on the rear legs before thudding back down. “No, not that sort of emergency.”

Regina frowned. “Then what has you disturbing me at this hour?”

Emma knew why Regina was being distant, but now wasn’t the time to get into it. “I need your help. Bring the dagger and meet me on the deck of the Jolly Roger.” 

Regina crossed her arms. Emma said, “I’m sorry, I’m not sure how else to convince him.” With that she let her magic envelop her, trusting that Regina would follow. 

On the deck, she contemplated Killian. Her skin heated and there was a brief desire to punch him. “Why didn’t I have the strength to say no?” 

She sensed Regina the instant before she heard that silken voice. “Perhaps it was that overabundance of goodness. Or maybe you felt bad that he felt more strongly than you. Maybe you were tired of expecting more and settled, or perhaps you felt you needed to grasp at being loved, even if you didn’t return that love?”

Emma spun, smile creeping across her face. “Are we psychoanalyzing me, or you?”

“Does it matter?”

Emma snapped her fingers and Regina was in her arms. Emma kissed her. Regina returned it. When Emma pulled her lips away, Regina let out a soft hum. 

Emma smiled. “If we weren’t talking about me alone, then I’d say it’s progress.”

Regina stepped away. “Yes, I suppose it is.” 

Emma waved her hand and Killian stumbled forward. “What the bloody hell, Swan?” Killian yelled. “You kiss her and that is supposed to convince me you aren’t dark? Or is this some twisted invite to join you in some…” He paused his look raking up and down her, then Regina. “I’m a changed man. Not even tempted.”

Emma stared for a moment. “Ok, two lies there — who wouldn’t be tempted?” she asked looking back at Regina. “And changed? Please. You’ve changed your clothes, and barely at that.”

Hook opened his mouth but she held up her hand. “Regina, please use the dagger. He won’t believe I’m telling the truth.”

“Did you have a list of questions, or are we off-script here?” 

“You were the Evil Queen, don’t tell me you never interrogated prisoners or stray fairies or my mother?”

“Of course I did, but interrogations don’t regularly delve into personal feelings for pirates.”

Emma ran her fingers through her hair. “Fine, ask me how I feel about Killian.”

“Before or after you were elevated to darkness? Or should that be descended?”

Emma whirled on Regina. “For fuck’s sake, Regina. I know you’re the last person who wants to be involved in this conversation, but you don’t have to complicate it.”

A half grin appeared on her face and Regina looked at Hook. “I’d say there is one person who wants to be involved in this less than I do.”

“Right, so let’s get this over with,” Emma said.

“Fine. Dark One,” Regina said in a tone Emma could only describe as mocking. “I command you to tell the handless wonder how you felt about him before you became the Dark One.”

Emma felt the word bubble up unbidden but she could not contain it. “Ambivalent.”

Killian’s mouth gaped and she continued, “I mean, bad boys always have a certain appeal, but really I wasn’t all that into you.” Fuck, she sounded like some teenager.”

But even that had Hook smirking. “Ambivalent. So I was growing on you? You found me attractive?”

She looked to Regina, who rolled her eyes. “Dark One, I command you to answer his questions with unvarnished honesty.”

“No. And the chest hair… eww.”

“But you said you loved me,” he said, pointing as if it were something one could point to.

“I didn’t know if you’d help if I needed saving if you didn’t think I loved you.”

Hook scoffed, looked indignant. “Why would you think that?”

“You helped Gold capture the fairies,” she began ticking off her points on her fingers. “You used me, you’re aren’t trustworthy? You made a deal with the Dark One for a hand. I mean, the hook was never as much of a turn-off as the chest hair and bad wardrobe.”

Killian scratched his head with the side of said hook. “The hand deal was a mistake. I thought I’d need it to keep you… you know, satisfied. But we both know that’s not the case, is it?”

Did he have to go there? She tried to fight the words but couldn’t. “Hmm, well sometimes I faked it. Your whole theory about losing a hand was like loosing a sense, and your other hand made up for it? Not so much. I have no idea what you thought you were doing down there, but I’ve had gyno exams that were more —”

“Stop Dark One” Regina shouted. “Even at my most evil, I’d have left the man some dignity.”

Emma frowned. “You commanded the unvarnished truth.”

She turned back to Killian - trying to salvage the moment, but he’d refused to listen, hadn’t he? He brought this on himself. Hook stood, running his hand up and down his hook. When he looked up his jaw was set. “You were a terrible Savior. You couldn’t save me from temptations because you didn’t love me. And what kind of woman is always trying to control things in the bedchamber? That’s not natural,” he yelled as he stomped around the deck. 

Regina muttered, “What kind of woman, indeed, Ms. Swan.” It wasn’t a question, and sounded far to sexy for the ridiculous moment.

“Now, if you’d kindly take your dark-self off my ship, I’ll be finding a way out of this town with its constant villains vying for attention and stupid incomprehensible ‘technological advancements’ and daytime TV drama. I’m going back to the sea, a mistress whose caresses are always gentle,” he finished with a stabbing gesture with his hook. 

“Fine. Let me give you a head start,” she yelled back. With nothing more than a thought and a wave of her hand she and Regina were on the pier and Hook’s ship was no where in sight. “And your stupid ‘caress’ metaphor is just dumb,” she screamed into the darkness. “The ocean’s caress is far from gentle during storms and hurricanes and typhoons, and monsoons, and tsunamis —whatever other fucking weather shit happens out there. So you’re stupid.” He’d had some nerve trying to make out like he’d been doing her a favor. “And they should call you Captain half-mast.”

From behind her, she heard Regina snort — an indignant sound from the former queen. She spun, sparks rippling from her finger-tips. “What?” Emma snarled.

Regina laughed. “Besides that degenerating into a pair of pre-teens yelling at each other?” 

Emma huffed out a long breath and chuckled. “Yeah, that was…” The sentence died on her lips when she saw Regina studying her, or maybe sizing her up was a better term. “Look, I’m sorry you had to witness that.”

Regina stepped closer, licked her lip and gave a smile that made Emma’s insides melt to right between her legs. “Oh, no, thank you. Some memorable moments: ‘Controlling in the bedroom… none to gentle caresses…” 

Emma felt herself flush. It was supposed to be her making Regina squirm, not the other way around. “I wasn’t controlling, just trying to direct things to my advantage.”

Regina chuckled and stepped away. “Hmm, it sounds like you weren’t all that successful.” 

“Yeah, well, at least I did what I needed to do. Remains to be seen if you have the stomach to do what you should. Your move.”

The smile disappeared from Regina’s face. “Goodnight, Miss Swan.” She flung her hand up and disappeared into the swirl of purple smoke.

Emma spun towards the open water, shoving her hands forward. A wall of water formed and headed in the direction she’d transported the Jolly Roger. “Gentle my ass.”

 

 

 

Emma sat at the station, bored out of her mind. She was attempting to give Regina space and time to dump the indecisive REI poster-boy, but the fact was, she could think of nothing but Regina’s lips and tongue, her hand at her throat, and that voice. 

In an effort to find something to distract herself with, she’d shown up at the station. Dumb, considering that she should have guessed her father would be on duty and her mother would be there, frantic with planning. The moment she rounded the corner, Snow ran to her and hugged her, then demanded to know what “she did to Killian.”

She’d explained, and explained again and again, until she found herself wanting to set something on fire. The one thing that kept her from igniting her brother’s stroller — sans Neil of course — was she knew it would convince Snow only that she’d become dark. It was Charming who got her mother to back off and he took Neil and Snow home on the condition that Emma take his shift and come for dinner. 

The thought of food had her half-way out the door when the emergency line rang. Although tempted to ignore it, she picked it up. “Sheriff Swan, what’s the emergency?”

“Oh,” the voice on the line said. “I thought you were the Dark One. Did I get the gossip wrong?” 

Emma rolled her eyes at Granny. “I did absorb a gigantic swirling cloud of dark forces, but the only dark thing I’ve done is toss out some paperwork from before Neverland. Figured no one would notice. Does that count?” 

“It will if Madam Mayor finds out.”

Emma was about to ask how that was possible, but Granny continued. “If you haven’t gone dark, then perhaps you could do something about that nuisance Will Scarlet. He is being suspicious— casing a couple of stores.”

“I can’t pick him up for that.”

“Would you prefer to wait until he breaks into another store?”

Emma shook her head, unsure why she ever bothered arguing with Granny. “Fine, I’m on my way. Where did you last see him?” 

“Midas’ Jewelry. I don’t think he’s planning to buy Belle anything. Even he knows it’s rude to bring a girl presents when her husband is in a magical coma.”

“Debatable, but I’m on my way.” She grabbed her key’s, then laughed. With nothing more than a thought, she found herself in the back alley where the rear storeroom entrance to Midas’ shop. Sure enough, Will was bent down, picking the lock. “Bloody-hell,” he muttered. 

He pulled out his picks and before he could make another attempt, she waved her hand and the door swung open. “It’s all about the tumblers.”

Will spun, eyes wide. He straightened up and pulled down on his jacket. “That’s cheating. And it isn’t what it looks like.” He paused and eyes scanned her. “Unless the rumors are true and you’re now less snow white and more trodden white. No offense to your mum.”

“Midas’? Mostly gold plated costume jewelry. You should set your standards higher.“

“Hmm, you don’t say. So, he’s more of con than Hook?”

Emma chuckled at his attempt to get a dig in. “Perhaps you should cut down on the drink and keep up with the recent changes.”

 Will gave a wry smile. “Well then, good on you. He’s a scoundrel, that one. Your skills and mine, combined. We’d make a fine team.”

He saw her scowl and rushed into the silence. “Strictly professional level.”

“I’m beginning to question your so called skills. So far, every joint you’ve hit is easy pickings. Pun fully intended,” she said as he rolled his eyes.

“Did you have something in mind as a test of my skills?”

Emma nodded. “Storybrooke Savings and Loan.”

“Besides the fact that I’m a thief, not a robber like Lord Locksley — confronting people and demanding things is not my style — I’ve checked the place out and it is all alarms and cameras. Didn’t have those in the Enchanted Forest.”

Emma grabbed him by the hand and transported them into room with the vault. “It’s Saturday and the bank isn’t open. I’ve turned off the alarms and the cameras. Stop making excuses and get on it.”

Will moved to the large dials on the safe and made a show of flexing his fingers. He placed his ear against the metal and turned the first dial. No more than a turn in he pulled away and said. “Considering I’ve not attempted this particular variation, it may take me more than one try. I’d appreciate your not turning me into some rodent or another.”

Emma laughed. “I won’t have to. On the third failure, the room will be filled with poison gas.”

A thin sheen of sweat formed on his brown. “Bugger all. What sort of bank would do that. Rumplestiltskin design this place? He loved traps.”

Emma shrugged. “Get cracking.”

Will frowned. “Aren’t you the funny one now.”

He turned back to the safe and began working the dials. He stopped the second dial and stepped back, reaching tentatively for the handle. He pulled downward and nothing happened.

“That’s one.”

Will waved his hands and spun the dials. “That air thingee is making too much noise. Can’t hear the tumblers proper.”

Waving her hand, the air-conditioner shut down. “Any more excuses?”

He ignored her and went back to the tumblers. Once again, he finished and stood, only to be disappointed when the handle wouldn’t budge. “Now, supposing that I somehow fail this test, you won’t leave me here to die?” 

“Well, you are a bit rude.”

He pulled a flask from his jacket. “Well, you won’t mind then if I steady my hands.” Without waiting for a reply he drank, emptying the flask. “Alright, third’s the charm,” he said, flexing his fingers.

I moment later he grasped the handle and closed his eyes. Emma realigned both combinations so when he pulled down on the handle, it depressed and a heavy clanking of bars sliding into place filled the quiet chamber. Will was frozen in place, hands on the level. One eye shot open. Then he released a long breath. Recovering from his shock, he stepped back, pulling the massive door open. “Passed with flying colors. Now, Dark One. Did you have a particular target in mind?”

Emma entered the vault. She closed her eyes and concentrated. The image of a necklace, dark metal settings with red stones popped into her head. “Safe deposit boxes. 1297.”

Will shrugged and found the box, making quick work of the lock. He opened the box, shuffled through the papers until he pulled out the large black velvet box. Opening it, he gave a low whistle. 

She snapped her fingers and the box was in her hand. In her other, she was dangling her cuff. “And you, Will Scarlet, are under arrest.”

Will’s shoulders slumped. “Aww, that was unfair. You set me up.”

“No, I let you screw yourself over. I have no clue why everyone seems to think that I’d turn into Rumple the moment I sucked up the darkness, but hey, you want to use that as your excuse for your criminal activity, feel free. I’m sure that will sound plausible in court: ‘Your honor, the Dark One made me do it.’ ‘How? Did she threaten you? Take your heart and order you to?’ ‘Well, no, but —”

“You’d be surprised how convincing I am.”

“Hmm, pretty sure that if you try that defense in Federal Court in Bangor, you’ll get locked in the looney bin.”

“Outside Storybrooke? You wouldn’t risk it.”

Emma raised her eyebrows. 

“And if you wanted this fancy bauble, why have me?”

Emma laughed. “That is evidence, I don’t want it.”

Will smiled, then made a break for the door. Emma let him. She watched him leap over the teller’s counter and sprint for the door. She transported herself to the space between him and the door. He skidded to a halt, almost falling over. 

She saw his leg twitch and she said, “Don’t. We can do this all day. Turn around and put your hands behind your head.” 

“Fine, but that was unfair.”

“I caught you breaking into Midas’ shop. I decided to see if you were stupid enough to up your charges.”

He remained silent as she cuffed him, removed his tools, and his empty flask. As she walked him out the bank, she saw Grumpy walking towards her. By the off rhythm gait, she guessed he was already drunk. 

Spotting her, Grumpy yelled, “Hey, Dark One. What are doing with him. They’ll be no dark sacrifices made today.”

“I’m taking him to jail, you twit.”

He looked confused for a moment, then eyed her suspiciously. “You’re the Dark One. That means you’re up to no good, sister.”

“No, and if you don’t take your drunk short ass somewhere else, I’m taking you in as well.”

“I’m not afraid of you. I’ve taken on the Evil Queen and lived.”

Emma started laughing and couldn’t stop. When she caught her breath, she looked at Will. “How’d you like an opportunity to have a few of those charges dropped?”

Will looked at her, eyebrow raised. “You can’t blame me for being a bit skeptical.”

Emma chuckled. “Fair enough. You have to beat Grumpy here to the corner.”

“Uh-huh. What’s the catch?”

“No catch. I’ll give you a head start.” Waving her hand, his cuffs disappeared, as she reached for a startled Leroy. Will bolted and she grabbed Grumpy’s shirt collar and belt. She lifted and, using magic, threw Grumpy in the direction Will was running. Grumpy sailed past Will and rolled partway into the intersection. Will slowed, looked at the dwarf struggling to rise. After a brief hesitation, he turned, running straight into Charming. 

Her father snagged Will by his jacket and lifted him off the pavement. “Emma, what are you doing?”

“Dwarf tossing.”

When he looked at her in utter confusion, she said, “It’s a thing. Lord of the Rings?? Does anyone here watch movies or read a book?”

Charming scratched his head. “I’m not sure that Leroy enjoyed that as much as you,” he said pointing to the dwarf who was sitting in the road, picking debris from his beard. 

Emma stared at the scene before her. She really had been bored. “He’s drunk again. Probably won’t remember. But I was bringing him and sticky-fingers Scarlet to jail. But, why don’t you take care of them.” She waved her hands and both were in cuffs. “I’ve something else important to take care of.”

Without waiting for a reply, she transported herself to Regina’s office. Regina was on her couch, head hanging down, shaking it slowly to the left then the right. Robin was standing. “Regina,” he whined. “I need more time. It is complicated. I want to do right.”

“I’d say you’ve had plenty of time, and chose wrong time and time again.” 

Regina’s head flew up and for a brief second, Emma swore Regina smiled. 


	3. Chapter 3

Regina stared at Emma. She was torn between laughing and crying. The conversation was making her feel like she was in that idiotic film Emma watched with Henry — something about a woodchuck… or groundhog. Yes, Emma would find a movie named after a rodent appealing. 

She focused on what was happening at the sound of Emma’s laughter. There stood Robin, stapler in hand. He brandished it as if it were some kind of club.

“For fuck’s sake, I’m the Dark One, not an art project,” Emma said. She snapped her fingers and the stapler was in her hand. Emma flipped it open, glanced at her with a smile she was unsure how to interpret. 

“Did you plan on… say, flinging staples at me?” Emma asked Robin who stance indicated he’d fight. “I mean, it could be an unknown weakness of Dark Ones, like Kryptonite.” 

Regina slid forward on the couch, magic stirring. She’d seen little of Emma and perhaps the darkness was building in her? A subtle vibration indicated magic, but it was barely perceptible. Robin yelped in surprise, then swatted the air frantically as the tiny metal staples plinked against his skin and shirt. This sent Emma into fits of laughter. 

Her hand flew to her mouth, stopping the laughter threatening to burst out of her. As Emma turned to her, she dropped the hand, the desire to laugh replaced by an instinct to take her to task for her inane behavior. Her resolve to make a sharp comment dissipated the moment the blonde idiot winked at her and had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. 

Emma sent the stapler back to its correct place on Regina’s desk while Robin strategically shifted to the side, almost between she and Emma.

“Regina, how long have you two been arguing about his utter failure to make a commitment to something more… whatever you call your current role of lover or mistress…?”

Regina frowned and held up three fingers. 

Emma stared at her fingers, then her gaze shifted to lower. Regina had seen that gaze before. The night Emma became the Dark One, she’d confirmed what she suspected since the night they met, and she felt her cheeks color. 

Emma snarled, looked back at her face. “Three hours, that is—” 

“Days,” Regina interrupted.

Emma turned on Robin, face flushed, fists clenched. “Are you sure it was Little John that was turned into an ape? When a woman says ’No’ or that she’s ‘no longer interested’ or whatever Regina — apparently far to patiently and not with enough violence — to get into that petrified wood skull of yours, then you walk. The fuck. Away.”

Robin stood unmoving, mouth , eyes wide long enough for her to worry that Emma had frozen him. Emma’s control of magic had been improving, but her impulsiveness could be dangerous with the Darkness in her, whether or not it was in control. 

Then, Robin jerked to life. “This is not about you. I’m her soul mate and we are destined. I’ve made mistakes but I need her in my life. I went with Marion because it was the right thi—” 

“Stop. Before I take that sniveling voice.”

His words, once what she’d believed, were more like a punch to the gut. Emma moved over to the desk and he backed away. She sat herself on top of the marble surface, but she didn’t have the strength to protest. 

“Consider me a court-ordered mediator,” Emma said. “This is simple. Even you should be able to understand. Everyone knows your ‘code’ and all the why’s. But what is important is how Regina feels.” 

Turning to her, Emma said, “You’ve told him how you feel? What you want?”

“Yes.” This… confrontation needed to end but she couldn’t bring herself to interrupt Emma.

“Then that’s it. Leave her alone. She’s decided and you need to respect that.”

Robin’s face reddened. “What about what I want?” 

Emma shook her head. “Wow. Dense.”

She readied her magic, to protect Emma from crossing a boundary that would be hard to come back from. She inhaled, she’d protect Emma before Robin? When had that happened?

Emma stepped up to Robin, looked him up and down slowly. “Not worth it.”

She spoke up, encouraged by Emma’s control. “I agree. No reason to use magic and tempt the darkness.”

“Exactly,” Emma said. In the next instant, her right fist swung, connected hard with Robin’s jaw. Robin stumbled across the room, hand going to the jaw, eyes wide in shock. 

Before he could respond, Emma froze him in place. “Listen up, you overgrown Boy Scout. You’ve made your case and she’s not buying it. Leave her alone. She might not hurt you, but I’ve no such reluctance, no ‘code’ to blame my behavior on.”

She reached out, but her arm fell short of Emma’s shoulder. As if sensing her unexpressed wish that she let Robin go, Emma waved a hand and he stumbled forward, jerked upright, face red. 

“Got it?” 

He rubbed his jaw. Glanced at her, but she couldn’t hold his gaze. Emma was right, and he’d worn her down, again and again. She wanted him gone. But what right did Emma have? 

For a moment, she thought he might argue. Then, without a word, he grabbed his jacket off the chair and left, door thudding behind him.

“Bye-bye,” Emma called out after him.

“Did you need to hit him?” She collapsed on the couch. “And get off my damn desk.”

“Well, I didn’t use dark magic, and yeah, I sorta did. Three days?”

“He loves me. I believe that.”

“And you?”

Regina’s eyes closed and she exhaled long and slow. “I wanted to.”

“I’m sorry if I —”

Something in her snapped. She sprang from the couch and stood before Emma, hands on her hip while Emma slid from the desk, looking for all the world liked she’d been caught out like a teen watching porn. “You should be.” 

Emma jaw clenched. “I didn’t intend… I came to—. Forget it.”

“If you used the door like a civilized person, I’d have told you it wasn’t the best time. I was dealing with it.”

“I know he’s persistent but for three days?”

She couldn’t do this. “Yes, because the Dark One doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings but her own. I think some perverse part of you enjoyed making Hook miserable. But I’m not —”

“Oh, that is rich… you not perversely cruel? You made an art out of hurting people for how many years?”

The heat, the tears threatened to well up. Forcing a coldness into her voice she said, “Go find someone else to rescue, or annoy, or whatever it is that the Savior and the Dark One all rolled into one does these days.”

Emma’s brows raised, then dropped and her brow furrowed. In an instant Regina found herself staring at a dissipating cloud of grey smoke.

* * *

 

Regina, looked up at the clock. She’d worked later than she’d intended, catching up on the paperwork that had piled up. Mercifully, Robin had left her alone for three days. That thought brought her blood to a boil. Emma had interfered as if she were some maiden in need of rescue. She’d had it under control and hadn’t been tempted to give in to Robin’s plea for another chance. Or at least not tempted enough to serious consider the idea. 

Henry was going to spend dinner with Emma, a good thing for the Dark One because she felt like a bot about to boil over. There had been so many things wrong with Emma’s interference she didn’t know where to begin. Even thinking about it left her heated. 

Shaking her head, she piled up the documents, grabbed her belongings and locked the office door. She hesitated at the car then turned up to walk to Grannies. No point in making a dinner for just herself. 

Opening the door to the diner, the typical evening chatter died down. People glanced in her direction but eyes diverted almost immediately. As she stepped to the counter to place her order, Happy slid off his seat and skittered towards the restrooms — although, why he took his coffee was beyond her. 

“What can I get you?” Granny asked, shooing away the other server who was working the counter. The young woman backed away, nervous smile plastered to her face, then bolted into the kitchen. Eugenia must have seen the annoyance on her face because she said, “Don’t mind her, she’s skittish about her own shadow.”

“I’ll have the meatloaf with mashed potatoes and steamed vegetables.”

“Of course, would you like that delivered?”

She snorted, figuring Eugenia was being facetious. “I’ll dine in, thank you.” She turned and scanned the room for a booth. A family of four scrambled out of one she often sat in when it wasn’t the dinner rush. Three rushed out the door, and the father tossed a number of bills on the counter. She knew he’d paid far beyond the cost.

Ruby rushed by her. “I’ll have this cleared in just a sec—” 

A loud crash from the other end of the diner drowned out the rest but she’d have sworn that Ruby had called her ‘Your Majesty’.

Ruby raced, cleaning up the remnants of the meal — or more like the less than half-eaten meal. Across the room, Ashley was picking up the pieces of a plate. Ashley looked up and saw her, and began apologizing. The other server rushed to Ashley with a broom. 

“All set,” Ruby announced. She indicated the now clean table with a gesture that was more a bow than pointing. What the hell was going on? Everyone talked in lower tones than usual, glanced at her, rushed through their meal. She was about to say something when Ruby arrived with her meal, in record time. 

She ate watching Granny’s clear out, person by person, as if there were some event everyone needed to be at. Something was not right. Her mind went back to yesterday. She’d passed Emma’s idiot mother on the street. She’d said, “Snow,” her usual greeting to limit interaction. Her response had been to stop and say, “Oh, seems a bit early for that kind of weather. I hope you’re wrong.” Snow then slid past her, walking rapidly towards the school. 

It had struck her as odd, but not worth expending thought beyond that. Until now. She’d remembered more than one person calling her Madam Mayor yesterday, which hadn’t been all that common of late. Emma — she had to be behind this. Maybe she’d been criticizing her in front of others — these simpleton’s were easily swayed. All that hard work, and what, a few words from the new Dark Ones and people feared her again?

Pushing her plate aside she rose to leave. One of her former guards, Bernard, strode into Granny’s holding Bashful by the shirt collar. “I caught him outside making disparaging remarks. What would you like me to do with him, Your Majesty.”

Emma had done something with people’s memories. That was the only explanation. Yesterday, it felt like the cursed Storybooke. Today, the Enchanted Forest, minus the actual setting. Of all the immature— 

Her thoughts about Emma’s idiocy were interrupted by Eugenia appearing out of the kitchen, crossbow in hand, pointed at Bernard. “No disrespect, Your Majesty, but I’d appreciate you take your royal business outside my inn.”

Regina rose from the bench, the few patrons left backing away, mouths agape. “Of course,” she said to Eugenia. To Bernard she said, “Put the dwarf down. If I killed every peasant who was less than complimentary, you morons would be doing all their labor. I’ve more important idiots to deal with.” 

In an instant, she was in the sheriff’s office. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Emma floundered to get her feet off the chair, almost falling out in the process.

“Oh, now you want to talk?”

“No, I want you to explain why you are playing around with people’s memories.”

“Boredom? You haven’t had fun until you listen to David come in here to tell me he doesn’t remember drinking but woke up next to Princess Abigail, or getting a buddy phone call from my mother asking if she should call Whale for another date. I’m impressed it took you this long to figure it out. I mean, the dwarves and the fairies alone should have tipped you off. Bunch of small men parading down the street whistling with pick axes over their shoulders?  What clued you in, peasants on your lawn with pitchforks and torches?”

She listened to Emma, at a loss for how to respond to such inane behavior, every emotion of the last few days rising until she couldn’t contain them. “Your parents may be idiots, but you… you are a special kind of idiot. You have all the Dark One’s power and yet, boredom is the overriding emotion and you use that power for sophomoric entertainment?”

 From the nearby cell, a voice piped up. “Oh, bloody-hell. Here I thought you were just one of the Evil Queen’s minions. Wonderland was less dangerous than this place.” She spun on him and he gave an awkward grin. “No offense, Your Evilness.”

“Shut up,” both she and Emma said.

Scarlet raised his hands, gave a sweeping bow. She walked around the desk, Emma’s eyes following her. She was not about to have this conversation with one of Robin’s frenemies in the room. Whether or not he’d remember whenever Emma grew bored with her memory game. She put her hand on Emma’s shoulder and transported them straight to her study.

* * *

 

Throwing herself on the couch, Emma flicked her hand and Regina’s fireplace came to life. 

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Setting a nice, homey atmosphere.”

Regina waved her hand and the fire disappeared.

She sat up. “Well, someone’s in a mood.”

“That this is news to you is astounding. But then, you’ve made no effort to engage me in any way in the last few days.”

She rubbed the back of her neck. Regina being stubborn was a literal pain in her neck. “You told me to leave. You were angry. I was giving you space.”

 Regina snorted. “Angry. No, I’m angry now. That night I didn’t want to deal with your rude behavior to someone I care about. I was handling it. I didn’t need you to come barreling in and save me. You didn’t notice. But as of late, you are more interested in amusing yourself at the expense of others and letting your Dark One out to play.”

She shook her head. “I told you, it wasn’t darkness. This is me. Always has been. Can’t say that you’ve been yourself lately. I thought if you noticed people treating you like Madam Mayor before the curse broke or the Evil Queen, you’d take a hint. I was having fun, not gathering my Darkness.”

“I’m less worried about your Darkness than I am about your utter inane sense of ‘fun’. Was it fun when you barged into a personal conversation between Robin and I?”

Her eyebrows went up, and a slow smile crossed her face. “Why, yes. Yes it was. Especially the part where I punched his dumb face.”

“You realize you sound like a five year old? Your behavior isn’t much better.”

“I’d rather be that than a doormat for the world’s most indecisive man. He treats you like a yo-yo. Throw you away, yank you back.” 

“You have some nerve,” Regina said, jaw clenched. 

“I’m impressed you had the nerve to even have the discussion. Too bad you didn’t have the nerve to kick his sorry ass to the curb back when you first saw his stupid tattoo. What happened to ‘making your own destiny? You said once he didn’t see you as the Evil Queen and I’d have to agree. He apparently saw you as a weak woman who’d put up with anything because some whacked out fairy encouraged you to commit adultery using pixie dust and declaring him your soulmate.”

Regina’s jaw set, her dark eyes widened. “I am not weak.”

Emma had seen the expression before — when she’d chainsawed Regina’s tree, when they’d argued in the cemetery. Just like that night, Regina’s arm swung out, fist connecting hard with her face. She could have avoided it, ducked, transported herself, but there was something good in the pain. Something good in seeing the woman she wanted back, alive with fight. 

Her own hand darted out in response, gripping Regina under the jaw, lifting her to her toes. “Welcome back.” 

Regina’s eyebrows went up, then her eyes narrowed, as if suddenly seeing the clues. Emma didn’t wait for her to catch up. She closed the distance, pulling Regina towards her with a yank, and kissed the mouth that opened in surprise. Hard. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I'd love to post more frequently, the reality I live in includes a full-time professional career, a family, a fantasy novel in revision stages, and the occasional need to be entertained beyond the fan world. Most months I try for posting at least once. If I post more, it will be a bonus. 
> 
> On the plus side... my mean tease at the end of this chapter will result in smut....


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